A different take on Proverbs 31

Real femininity is not for the faint of heart 💪

Proverbs 31 is totally a love/hate thing for Christian women, I think. We come in contact with it so often because it stands as one of the longest, most accessible lengths of text relating to our gender in the Bible. And due to it’s poetic feel there is something sort of compelling about how this ideal woman is presented within it.

But I’ve noticed during different seasons of my life that I strive against this biblical lady and all her industry. I mean, at some point around verse 15 or 16 you start to realize that all this P31 woman does is work. It’s like that career woman song I love so much by the band Cake-

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete, to cut through red tape

With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark, like tinted glass
She is fast, and thorough, and sharp as a tack
She is touring the facility and picking up slack

I used to wonder how the Proverbs 31 lady could get so much done and why she was so intent on blowing the bell curve for the rest of us, until I realized SHE HAD SERVANTS (V15). So I’ll get around to making clothes for everyone and financing vineyard operations, too, just as soon as we become wealthy enough to afford hired help.

The reason I’m bringing up the iconic P31 woman is because I want to highlight a little known aspect of her character buried deep in the Hebrew meaning of a single word in the very beginning of the poem (it actually is a poem, by the way; an acrostic poem, which means every new line or thought starts with a consecutive letter of the Hebrew alphabet in order to make it easier to memorize, kinda like Psalm 119).¹

Where verse 10 says “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies,” that word “virtuous” there is the money word.² It is also translated as “excellent,” “noble character” and the ever so smackingly pathetic “good,” but most of the time the translators stick with “virtuous.”³ But because “virtuous” is a word none of us use in common conversation anymore, it doesn’t quite help us understand the general meaning of the verse that contains it. And I hate to say it, but it doesn’t even do the actual Hebrew word justice either.⁴

Behold a screenshot from the loftily titled Genenius’ Hebrew-Chaldea Lexicon of the most profound and yet scarcely mentioned characteristic of the Proverbs 31 woman, i.e. her “virtuousness.” Focus on the italicized words here:

Two things to notice:

1. This is a war word. Overwhelmingly so. “Strength, power, warlike might, valor.” When you find verses in the Bible that say “mighty men of valor,” it’s this exact Hebrew word the translators are going off of. This is the word used to talk about the ancient Israeli equivalent of the Navy SEALs or Army Rangers: elite, fearless fighters known for their bravery and effectiveness, especially in highly dangerous situations.

2. Notice how definition 4 shifts gears a little bit… “ability, virtue, uprightness, integrity.”

Definition 4, where we find our specific Proverbs 31 verse mentioned, appears to be slightly different than the hardcore war oriented definition, but I assure this is not from any attempt to water down its overarching punch. Interestingly, this slightly different definition is applied to both Ruth and Boaz in the book of Ruth.⁵

Definition 4 is used in the Bible to describe someone who has built up a life of success and/or wealth due to honest means and hard work (Boaz really is a great example of this). It is a slow, righteous sort of accrual that stems from playing according to God’s rules and doing the right thing. And you know what I love about this? This word acknowledges within itself that this endeavor is not for the faint of heart. It presupposes that it takes just as much valor and bravery to fight the relatively short period of time that is the length of a war as it does to live clean, upright lives during the relatively long duration of a person’s life span.

A lot of people just want the easy money, the grab-at-things-as-quick-as-you-can way of living, but there is nothing virtuous or admirable in that. There is nothing brave and studly (“warlike might”) about living one’s life as fast and hard and corner-cutting as a person can with no thought to the consequences of such a life philosophy.

Elite warriors, on the other hand, spend years learning how to fight. They assiduously hone themselves into precision instruments. They drain their bodies of blood and sweat and weakness in order to replace everything they are with something that can handle the hell of war- with something that will ensure their victory. And this exact fortitude is how King Lemuel’s mom describes a woman worth noticing.

She is no soft flower waiting for everyone to do everything for her. She is not a victim and she is certainly not lazy. She is strong in her character and her drive. She is forward thinking in that she isn’t afraid of the time it takes to follow through with something to the end. She focuses on quality over quantity. And I’m not just talking about her vineyards and her craft projects here. Despite all her extracurricular activities, she has not left off her duties towards the ones in her life that matter most, as seen in this verse:

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. (V28, ESV)

She does all her side hustle stuff having already secured the character development and health of her immediate family. That is true wisdom right there. And notice how her children make their own decision to “rise up and call her blessed,” meaning they aren’t little kids in this verse. They are old enough to be able to evaluate their mom and to come to the conclusion that she is awesome. She has already put in the decades of work it takes to nurture and love her children, to the point where they see the fruit of her life and publicly appreciate their relationship with her. Essentially, we meet the Proverbs 31 woman years into her vocation as woman, wife and mother.

I’m sharing this with you because even though Proverbs 31 can just feel like one big, condemning guilt trip sometimes, there is real femininity- real grit- found in this chapter and I think we need to let it redefine what being a woman means, especially in this day and age.

There is so much insecurity within our gender, even within church culture. We compare and contrast ourselves until we don’t even know what successful womanhood/motherhood/daughter-of-God-hood is anymore. If Proverbs 31 is any indicator, successful womanhood is a lot more interesting and at the same time difficult than our culture would have us think. Real womanhood takes all the God-given strengths specific to our gender and unapologetically lets them loose on the world around us. It isn’t about fighting for what’s right like a man would, but fighting for what’s right like a woman would: by dogged love, radical faith and a long-game approach toward the projects God has set before us (like raising children or caring for the least of these i.e. the servants mentioned).

It takes years to become a real woman. Years of feeling what it’s like to labor over our children and labor over keeping our relationship with our spouse going. Years of replacing our blood, sweat and weakness with God’s way of doing things so that we genuinely care about the least of these enough to proverbially clothe them with our own two hands. Years of rejecting the wide, shallow, easy way in favor of the narrow, faithful, unglamorous way.

Real womanhood is hard. It is daunting. And it is so tempting to take the easy way out or even get discouraged that our quiet work isn’t doing anything real or worthwhile. Why am I cooking all these meals and trying to help my family eat healthy when the kids hardly touch the veggies and half their plate ends up in the trash? Why am I staying at home to raise these kids (with all the isolation, financial backtracking and general abject servitude that comes with that) when I could just get a job and end this busy, boring nightmare? Why don’t I just turn the TV on all the time just to keep the kids quiet instead of insisting they figure out how to creatively remedy their own boredom?

But real womanhood, struggles and all, is the only way secure a rich, future victory. It is all the focused potential of an elite soldier rolled into the simple, common actions unique to our calling, which include humbly caring for those around us whether it feels good to do so or not, whether we want to or not… the way a warrior on a battlefield fights because it’s his duty, period.

She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. (V17)

The proof will always be in the pudding and the fruit of our work will always speak for itself. See for yourself when you interact with the older women in your life. Who are you drawn to because they just have this vibe like they’ve gone through so much and won so many battles using God’s way of doing things that they just sort of calm everyone down with their poise? Proverbs 31:25 mentions that enviable vibe this way:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Cool, calm and collected as heck.

What about the women who chose the fast way- the elevated status way. These are the women who invested in tasks or stuff or self over people and God…and frankly, 9 times out of 10 and to quote Elizabeth Bennett, those women are certainly a fearsome sight to behold. Psalm 37:37 puts it perfectly:

Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright; for the future of that man [or woman] is peace. (Emphasis mine)

So live into the potent, uniquely feminine strength you were meant to today, my babes, because the future of it is peace and victory. Serve your people with confidence and don’t fear the long game. You were created for this very war- the one you woke up in this morning, whatever that may be- and in God we will someday see our desire upon our enemies.⁶

OORAH!

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates. (V31 ESV)

1. And we all know it would do every dude a world of good to memorize a poem about the type of women they should be chasing after instead of the fast and easy versions of our gender that seem so appealing in the moment and end up ruining many a good man’s lives. Because of this I have this theory that Proverbs 31 is intended for men to obsess over, not women. After all, it was taught to “King Lemuel” by his mom to help him find a decent wife (v1, 10). I don’t think the intention of Proverbs 31 was to make us gals feel we weren’t measuring up to some standard, but to encourage men to view women differently. But that’s just my own personal theory. Do with it what you want.

2. It is interesting to note that the KJV translation which is largely disregarded among Bible readers these days calls her a “woman” and not a “wife.” I appreciate how much more broad and inclusive this is- how it can speak to God’s daughters who are in any season of their life, not just that of being a wife.

3. Not only the strict and vintage KJV and NKJV use “virtuous,” but the loosey flowey NLT uses it too. That’s a pretty wide spectrum right there.

4. Here is the English definition of “virtuous”: conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright. Maybe we don’t use the word virtuous anymore because the world at large can no longer define what “morally excellent or upright” is and therefore cannot apply the term to those who may or may not deserve it.

5. Ruth 2:1, 3:11, 4:11. The word describes Ruth once, Boaz twice.

6. Psalm 92:11